My Letter to God 1
I’m recovering from a brain injury. But there’s more to me than that.
Intensive cold laser therapy in Adelaide, South Australia was the turning point in my recovery from brain inflammation. It was July 2018. It had been six months since the triathlon that had changed my life <link> (or as Trump’s refers to brain injury as a ‘headache’).
I often sat in my garden, staring into the endless sky. My mind was vacant. Often three or four hours could pass without a single thought. I sank into an apathetic existence. My fragmented brain would try to figure out where I was. And how I got here. Why was I sitting in here, in this garden? Whose garden was it anyway? I was constantly confused. Even so, I was indifferent.
Though at a snail’s pace, the swelling was on the ebb. My mind to become clearer, lighter. Parts of me which I thought I’d lost started to return. I looked around the world with new eyes.
I began to get a sense of where I was and what had become of me. My life looked completely different. I realised then that half a year had passed. I’d been in a void.
Then the grief hits me.
Everything had slipped away; my home, livelihood, hobbies, independence and community. I’d forfeited my plane ticket to Europe to visit my cousins in Croatia. I’d lost my chance to represent Australia at the World Age Group Championship in front of a home crowd on the Gold Coast. I stood down as president of my triathlon club and left the community of hundreds of members. I’d closed up my business and let my staff go.
The doctors at the clinic were cautious and suggested further treatment at the Sydney clinic. No one could tell me what my prospects for recovery, so I was petrified of the future. I felt so changed by this experience, had a taste of mortality and loss of brain function and health so fresh and real to me.
I had so many unknowns taunting me.
Would the laser continue to work?
What would my life look like after treatment?
Would I ever regain my cognitive function back?
Could I ever run my own business again?
Could I ever drive again?
Would I ever be able to compete in triathlons again?
And the big one – would I ever swim again?
When everything is lost, there’s not much else but to let go and see what God has to say.
My Letter to God
I surrender to you the previous thirty years of my life. I thank you for your mercy and love. Through this time of self discovery, I’ve come to discover a deeper understanding of who I am.
I surrender to you the questions in my heart for the next year in my life. I pray you use me for a conduit for good, enable me to be all that I can be in your light and love.
I surrender my uncertainty about my life work and expression, my biz, my clients, how and what I should put my energy towards. I surrender my uncertainty about lifestyle, location , where and how I live. I surrender my future, showing me the path towards love and acceptance.
I surrender my hobbies and passions, and how to best express my love of sport, exercise, movement, community, connection, nature and love. I have no idea how the pieces all fit, I am willing to you dear God to take care of the piece of the puzzle.
I surrender the details to you, allowing you to guide me to a higher existence and peace within myself and my world. Help me focus on the only journey that matters, my own, and stay focused on being a conduit for your love.
I hear you heartbreak and see your tears, the pain you feel from the losses of last year, have been many, lost friends, life, livelihood, opportunities, travel races, fun, hobbies, passions.
And yet in your sadness, in the darkness, I ask you, hold on, trust me, there is much in store for you. Just as you trusted me when getting divorced, a new bigger life was waiting for you.
Now again, I have plans for a much bigger wonderful life for you. I needed you to stop, it was not productive, to burn it down, release old, busy activities, for now the time of self discovery in those areas are over, you learnt all lessons needed.
Next steps is to embrace this laser treatment for a pain free life. You needed time to rest and heal the injuries of last eight years, I could not let you go on like you were. A painful life is unsustainable and not what I had in plan for you.
Take my mercy, take my love and rebuild your heart to a bigger life. I needed you to stop, rest, release the path you were on. Don’t fear not knowing what to do, I have much in store. I take your fear and love you.
I will release to you many blessings as we go, day by day. Blessings I’ve sent your way already, a loving family, support and peace. A restful place to recovery, healing treatment, friends and community. I’ve healed you from pain in your body and brain, trust what I’ve already done for you – so more healing may come with ease.
I created you as my perfect creation and I continue to guide your life path. I need you to step out of the way and let healing happen, in body, in heart, in mind. There is love all around you, let it in and let it grow. Much more is on it’s way, trust in me.
Trust the process.
Expect the best possible outcome.
Rest in my mercy.
Rest in love.
You are perfect.
You are a miracle. This is a true story.
I love you.
Here's the latest posts from my Recovery Chronicles
Enjoy my latest excerpt of my new project, haphazardly titled, Book 2021. Sarah Saturday, January 2Fatigue: 6Pain: 3Slept intermittently, pulling my blankets off and on all night as my body failed to thermoregulate.At 9 a.m. I sat down for a final read through of my...
He won’t see it that way, and it’s not true, but it certainly feels like it At the start of the year, I launched my Patreon account, I was all ready to go with sharing my writing progress on my new book, and then I started a new IV treatment.I spend the last two...
Last October, I read The Diary of a Bookseller by Shaun Bythell. It is a hilarious, black humour-style account of running a book shop in Scotland in a time when book shops are closing due to a shift in the market to online retail. The story is simultaneously sad and...